Is the caller operating a jackhammer? No, it’s just bad cell phone reception – shocker!

I never thought I would type this but I miss landline phones.

This morning at 9:43am, while talking to my fella using horrid devices called “Smart Phones” (yeah…), I, for the billionth time, experienced the worst cell phone reception in the history of the entire Universe and all other Universes that may or may not be encompassed within the Universe in which I am reconstructing this moment of horror.

The following chart may help you cope with “Smart Phones” should you find yourself suffering from the same issues as I:

ISSUE COPING STRATEGY
Neither caller nor receiver can hear the subtle pauses in breath from one another; therefore both parties speak at incorrect times and end up cutting one another off constantly as each person tries to speak. Unfortunately this issue is so bad there is no coping strategy.  The only thing that comes close to offering relief for such a grievous experience is to over exaggerate your breathing so at least the person you are speaking to will have some idea of what is going on.  But this strategy often ends badly with the person on the receiving end misinterpreting the breathing as something malevolent and therefore ending the call in disgust.
A constant sound plays in the background, a jackhammer-like sound that becomes so distracting the listener can no longer focus on what the other party is saying. Use this as an exercise to increase your mental fortitude should you ever be captured by hostile forces (seen or unseen).  However, proceed with extreme caution in these murky waters for there is a fine line between increasing mental strength and that tiny moment of weakness when we suddenly fall into a torturous region of despair where we clutch the sides of our face, look to the sky screaming and forget why we even care about anything anyway.
The minimal amount of hardware available prevents any person from dramatically ending a call.  Speakers, during the most rage-filled conversations, must foolishly press a tiny button when they want to abruptly end a conversation. Play an audio clip of a landline handset being slammed down onto its base then quietly disconnect the call by pressing the silly little button.  Finally, with your last bit of rage, chuck the “Smart Phone” into the woods (using care to avoid wildlife because you know they will retaliate after you go to sleep by gnawing a hole in the side of your house and then hurling up fur balls onto all of your fancy rugs).
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